iPhone Apps That Didn’t Quite Make the Grade

With all the hype surrounding iPhone apps and every wanna be programmer hoping to build the next million dollar winner, you know that not all the offerings are going to be top notch.  So we perused the extensive list of iPhone apps looking for and finding the best of the worst.  In some instances we were able to interview the author of the program and others we used the app’s description for details.  But of course there is nothing like giving the app a try ourselves and we did so on each app we reviewed.

I am sure each programmer had the best of intentions and very high hopes for their app when they first conceived of their idea.  But as many budding entrepreneurs already know, you have to fail before you can win and in that failure you learn from your mistakes.  Of course there are those that never learn…

So after many painstaking hours evaluating hundreds, if not thousands of programs we present to you this list of the top iPhone apps that didn’t quite make the grade in descending order, and we do mean descending…

Blue Screen of Death

Blue Screen of Death

The infamous Blue Screen of Death is a very familiar “feature” on Microsoft products and this author thought it would be fun to have something similar on the iPhone.  Unfortunately the app seems to actually freeze the iPhone which will then require a restart.  He said his sales haven’t been all that great but is hopeful sales will pick once he de-bugs the app.

No Left Turn!

No Left Turn

Developed by a former UPS driver he states in the documentation that this is the “Greenest App” yet developed for the iPhone.  From what I could make out from the description, this app keeps track of all your turns, in particular left turns.  The programmer believes that every one can save energy by only making right turns like he did for UPS .  The app rewards you with a pleasant chime when you turn right and after a set amount of left turns will sound an annoying alarm to let you know you’re past your quota of left turns.  The only problem was when I tried to only make right turns I ended up walking in circles.

Spit Compass

Spit Spat Spo
According to the author of Spit Compass the app is based on old Folklore for finding lost objects. You would spit in your hand and then slap it with the other hand while saying this rhyming incantation Spit – spat – spo, where did that go?  You would then find the lost object by following the direction in which the spit went flying.

The author went on to explain that he felt this was a much needed app because of all the fear surrounding Swine Flu and the precautions people are taking to prevent the spread of the illness. “This is a safe and clean way to locate lost objects” he said. He also added that the user can select from a variety of loogies in varying colors and consistences for every taste.

I was very impressed with the sound effects and particularly liked the “Smoker hacking up his left lung with the first cigarette of the day” loogie selection.

iPhone iBone

Your Mileage May Vary

If you fanatically keep track of your cars gas mileage then this may be the app for you, but then again only if you are male.  I really don’t know how to best describe this app so maybe I should just use the authors own words.

The iPhone iBone is the ultimate in the personal detailed analysis of  interpersonal relations with the key functions being the advanced graphical display of all the data collected.

iBONE Measure

The way the app works is you that first measure your “members” length and girth and enter that into the program.  Then you add your height and weight and then answer several insertion preference questions that I won’t mention here (use your imagination).  Once the data is entered you would then activate the program and choose the type of “insertion” you will be engaging in and program then begins to collect data.  It appears the program uses the iPhone’s accelerator and gravity sensor to then measure your “movements” so that you can collect detailed data on your carnal activities.


The 3D graphing capabilities are extraordinary and actually offer up a great deal of information.

iBONE Mileage

You can also store the data over a period of time so you can chart your “mileage” and even keep track of those dry months.  Not shown, it also uses the iPhone’s  compass and tracks the direction you most favor.  Perhaps that would go well with any Feng Shui fans so that you are always in harmony with nature?

Overall I think this is a well thought out iPhone app that takes advantage of the iPhone’s unique abilities and presents a considerable amount of information to the user.  The only drawback is that you have to have the iPhone attached to your person during the activity.

We were able to speak to the author briefly while taking notes for this article and he mentioned that he was in talks with an adult toy manufacturer to develop devices that would interface with the iBone.  Unfortunately he did not elaborate so we are left to only speculate as to what you could attach to the iBone.

But whatever new features are added to the iBone I think this app have the potential to be the iPhone app of the year, on some planet!

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